I’ve struggled with depression for many years now, and anxiety is a pain in the ass. Sometimes I’m just simply sick and tired of life! And I want to end it all. I found it hard to leave the comfort of my home, and kept doing this thing where I’ll put in my contact lenses, walk around the house with them on, and then take them out again, repeatedly, usually 2-3 times, or until I realise time is ticking and I need to get going or else I’m going to be late for work.
It’s like a very annoying battle, being at war with myself. . .
‘I need to go’
‘I can’t go’
‘I have to go’
‘I don’t wanna go’
Mental isn’t it?
It’s not really about staying positive as some people have told me, but learning how to neutralise the bad thoughts when I’m in a bad situation. The feelings I feel at that moment in time does not always equal reality, I know this. Just give me a few moments to calm down, to think rationally and straighten out the problem in my head. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by emotions that it clouds up my thinking process.
At times, certain situations can cause me great distress and throws me in a loop of unwanted thoughts where physically I am unable to sit still, concentrate or relax properly. Lack of sleep is the main cause for me to stress over stupid emails, paperwork, numbers, and people. You know, the usual daily office life… not very exciting isn’t it…plus the unnessary reminder of: Society Pressures, you know the typical keywords…marriage, children, future…
It feels sort of like…as if I’m suffocating underneath everybody’s opinions…As if I’m not worthy.
I knew it couldn’t keep going on forever so, I finally went to seek professionally help. I went on a 4 month psychological therapy course, and GOOD NEWS I was then officially discharged because my overall condition had improved. But, it doesn’t mean I’m finally cured, but it does mean however I have better control.
I talk a lot about work, I do enjoy it (sometimes), and because I care so much about it, it weighs on me. Learning to switch off is difficult, but I’m trying my best. I haven’t mastered neutralising my thoughts, but the off button is definitely there when I really push for it.
Especially when…. I have holidays planned: France + Spain this August, Okinawa in December, Taiwan in April 2020…and hopefully back to Japan next August (Are you crazy?) I know it’s going to be HOT!! But I really want to go back to Tokushima!! We shall see!!
Let’s keep it going!!
I regret not traveling often when I was younger, people held me back, and I was in hospital a lot, so to make up for it I want to do it as much as I can.